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 Gaboman's Review of The Terminator

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Number of posts : 9729
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PostSubject: Gaboman's Review of The Terminator   Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:23 am

Alright, this movie came out in 1984, so anybody who remembers when it came out is really, really old by now. I mean really old. If you remember seeing the advertisement on TV saying there's a new flick coming out and it's called The Terminator, then you're ancient. For real.

It's written by some guy who was basically unknown at that time, but a couple of years later he wrote and directed Aliens and everybody was like "oooh he's the best." But at this point, he hadn't done Aliens yet, so he was a nobody, alright? Don't get all geeked out just yet. He'd done like one movie before, with an an unpronounceable name (anything starting with an 'x' is unpronounceable).

Now, what happens, you see, is there's these scenes where they show lots of skulls and burnt land and stuff, and there's some big robots and that. You're there thinking "what the hell?" Right? You paid for a movie with robots, but they're supposed to be covered with skin, and chasing women around in the present. But the present is supposed to be 1984, which now is the past.

Just to be clear, here.

Then there's this music, which is is all like "dun-dun-dun-da-da... dun-dun-dun-da-da" and hella creepy. But the title sequence seems to go on for about 1/3rd of the movie, and you start to get bored. But eventually you find out that you are, indeed, in the correct movie. The Terminator.

(You'll probably be somewhat disappointed because you thought you could get a refund for watching the wrong movie, but don't worry. The movie is really good and worth it. What did a movie cost in 1984 anyway? Probably a penny, and you'd still get change, right?)

So eventually there's some lighting and an old fellow with a garbage truck saying "What the hell?" and he runs off when this electricity and strong wind starts coming by. It stops, but it leaves behind some naked fellow who seems to be in pain. He gets up.

But it happens again, somewhere else, and leaves some fellow who doesn't seem to be in pain. At first glance you think it's Conan the Barbarian, but it's not. It's someone else. Alright? He gets up and walks around naked for a bit, then walks over to these three guys who look like punks. They have a discussion about the man's laundry duties, then they have a fight. The naked fella gets stabbed, then he drives his fist into one of the punk dudes, and that's not a euphonism for gay sex or anything.

He ends up with some clothes, and I think he picks up a car from somewhere too. I don't remember that happening, but it must have.

The other naked fellow, meanwhile, steals some pants from a homeless guy. Must've smelt something fowl, right? But he doesn't care. The cops chase him for a bit, and they head off into a department store. They check everywhere for him, but for some reason forget to look in the changing rooms. He gets a coat and jumps out the fire escape, where they also failed to look.

These cops are mighty dumb, because the homeless pants man then gets a shotgun from an unlocked police car just knocking about and unguarded. I know if I was going to leave a gun lying around, I'd probably keep an eye on it.

So he's got a shotgun.

Then they introduce you to a chick; thank god, because after all these naked dudes knocking about I was starting to get a bit uncomofrtable. This woman is played by Linda Hamilton, and she's like a 7 on the scale of 10, but you get to see an alright side-view of her tits later on, so it's all good. The rack brings her up to an 8. Linda's name in this is Sarah. I'm not sure how that works, but yeah... her name's Sarah Conner. She works at big boy, at least that's what you're lead to believe. She goes to work, but doesn't seem to enjoy her work because... I mean, who would?

Then they show you the guy who fisted the punk, he's in a gun shop. He buys all these guns, and the gun shop owner is ecstatic about it, but then he realizes that the guy is loading one of the guns and by that point he knows he's fucked. But even if the guy hadn't loaded the gun, he'd probably be fucked. Actually, that guy could have just walked into the gun shop, locked the door, snapped the guy's neck, then taken the guns he needed. Why he wanted someone to serve him is beyond me... his interpersonal skills were kind of shot, so maybe he just wanted practice.

Later on, this same dude goes to a woman named Sarah Conner's house and shoots her. He gets her address from the Phone Book. Anyway, he does there and shoots her down. Then the other Sarah Conner (Linda, remember?) sees it on the news, and her friends think it's funny. She doesn't, but I would. I mean, mainly because my name's not Sarah Conner and I find joy in the pain of others. But that's all.

Anyway, she goes home.

Oh I should mention that the other guy who's wearing the smelly homeless guy pants is just bouncing around. He got a saw and shortened his shotgun a bit, but I think that's it.

Anyway, Sarah lives with some chick named Ginger. You don't meet people named Ginger anymore, but this chick was named Ginger. Anyway, they get ready to go out, and Sarah's all dolled up but her dude calls and cancels. You find out that Sarah's only with him because she's a bit of a whore and he has money. That's the impression I get, at least.

Anyway, she goes out anyway.

Then she sees another Sarah Conner died, and she panics so calls the cops. She gets fully scared when she realizes some dude is following her. Eventually she calls the cops and they told her not to move.

Anyway, the first dude who killed that Sarah Conner woman goes to this Sarah's house and kills Ginger and her boyfriend. Ginger's boyfriend is in his underwear at the time, and you start to feel a bit uncomfortable about all the homoerotic imagery in the film, but you let it slide because its pretty awesome regardless. This Sarah killing fella thinks Ginger is Sarah, but realizes she's not when she gets a call from Sarah on the answering machine... and Sarah's stupid enough to leave the address of the place she's at with him.

Anyway, Sarah's told not to move, so she's waiting for the cops. Then the guy who killed Ginger walks in and walks up to Sarah, and you're like "she's going to die!" but you're not expecting the smelly homeless pants guy to come out of the crowd and shoot the murdering fellow with a shot gun.

Alright, so the murderer doesn't die. At this point you HAVE TO know that he's The Terminator. But if you hadn't worked it out yet, you're a little dense. Anyway, the Terminator shots about a bit, but misses both smelly pants and Sarah.

Oh! I forgot something important: Sarah and Ginger had a pet Iguana.

Alright, so back to the story. So smelly pants says to Sarah "Come with me if you want to leave." I'm not too sure why he says it, she could just leave any old way. Why she had to leave with him, I don't know. He was stalking her for a while... so obviously he wanted to get with her. Also, it's not really the time to be cracking onto a woman, now, is it?

So they escape, and the guy explains his name is Kyle and he's from the future and the other guy is a robot. She doesn't believe him, but starts to a little later on. They end up at the police station and the same Terminator fellow comes running in and shoots up all the cops. Now, the cops had all kinds of cool guns. Machine guns and stuff. But The Terminator survived it all. Amazing.

So Kyle and Sarah escape again, and then go running off somewhere far. They sleep in a tunnel for one night, and she dreams of the future... which is impossible, obviously. Suddenly the movie becomes unbelievable. She dreams about barking dogs, and when she tells this to Kyle he for some reason finds it completely reasonable that she's dreamed of the future and explains that a barking dog means a Terminator is around.

Anyway, the Terminator pulls his eye out later on, and starts to wear sunglasses. He can still see, you see, because he's got like some sort of red sensor underneath. It's really dope.

He goes after Sarah's mother, and mimics her on the phone so he can find out where Kyle and Sarah are. But they've made pipe bombs. So they Terminator comes by and Kyle and Sarah hear a dog barking so start running. They get chased by the terminator. The chase goes between utility trucks, motor cycles, and tanker trucks. Even after they blow up the tanker truck, the Terminator still comes after them. But with no skin.

It chases them into a factory, and Kyle smacks it upside the head with a metal pole for a bit while Sarah runs. Eventually, Kyle blows up the bottom half of the Terminator, and Sarah gets a shard of metal in her leg... so they're both flapping about the ground like fish out of water. The Terminator continues to chase her with no legs, and she continues to escape with no legs. Eventually she gets the damn thing in this huge compressor thing (lucky it was there, I must say, or she'll be screwed).

She says a much needed pun and pulls a lever, and the Terminator is a goner. Not that it matters much, because Kyle is dead. But that's alright, you find out a bit later that she's pregnant. Oh! I probably should've mentioned that Kyle and Sarah totally did it. Giggidy.

I forget why exactly the Terminator was after her. It can't have been really important, I guess. It was a good movie, but I can't imagine them ever bothering to do a sequel. After one movie with killer robots, there's not much else you can do after that, now, is there?

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of The Terminator   Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:31 am

Boy is my face red. Just read they totally did make a sequel. Must've slipped way under the radar, that one. Doubt the director's done anything good recently, though, right?

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of The Terminator   Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:02 am

I heard he did some movie about a boat sinking. The Andrea Doria, I think.

Meh. They never found the boat in the movie anyway, so it's all bullshit.

Didn't make much money.

He is such a hack.


"Just because the monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

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