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 Gaboman's Review of BloodRayne

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Number of posts : 9729
Age : 37
Where I am : 台北市
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Registration date : 2007-01-23

PostSubject: Gaboman's Review of BloodRayne   Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:02 am

Oh, man... this movie really sucks. I absolutely, completely couldn't imagine a worse way to spend 2 hours... and I have an overly active imagination. I mean, I can imagine shit like having your testes hooked up to a car battery, and having a sledge hammer smashing into them, repeatedly, and even that wouldn't be as bad as sitting through this movie again.

I mean, you know, it's Uwe Boll, so you know it's got to suck balls. But how many balls can one movie actually suck? The logical answer would be two. Two balls. But it sucks so many more balls than that. It sucks more balls that the rest of Uwe Bolls filmography put together. Excluding House of the Dead, because that sucked a pretty high number of balls itself, too. Or can you imagine sticking a hook into your eye socket, and having your body pulled along behind a train by a chain connected to the hook and the back of the train? Even that wouldn't be as bad.

But, you know, you go into the movie, even with the expectation that it will suck, and you just don't know how much it's going to suck until it really gets going. Then all the sucking that it does meets your expectations and then some, and there's this little voice in the back of your head saying "told ya so", but you tell it to fuck off... because, seriously, who needs a little voice in the back of their head being all smug and shit? Not me, I can tell you that. It goes overboard when it tells you to burn things, but I tell you... when the voice told me to walk up to the screen and burn the motherfucker down, I almost did it. This movie was just that bad.

Now, realistically, Uwe Boll is a pussy hiding behind a lot of tough guy talk and his amateur boxing status. If you remember a while back he got a bunch of nerdy film critics who were like a foot shorter than him, then beat the shit out of them because that's the kind of bitch he is. Rest assured, if I ever ran into him, I'd know the mother fucker down with my car and reverse over him again and again; one time for each minute of my life that cunt wasted with this film. I won't even bother giving it to him for the rest of his flicks, he's not worth it.

Uwe Boll owes the world a debt for his continued existance, and for each of these fucked up, mindless movies he subjects the world to, that debt is increased.

In conclusion, Alone In The Dark sucked. Wait, which movie was I reviewing? Oh, right... BloodRayne. BloodRayne sucked.

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