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 Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies

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gaboman

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PostSubject: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:01 pm

Okay, so this is going to contain spoilers, because my reviews just do that. That's how I roll. If you don't like it, don't read my review, alright? But if you don't mind some spoilers, then this is probably the review for you, because unlike that fat Ebert jackass... I'm gonna tell you the truth, right? Right.

So in case you don't know, the movie is called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I didn't have enough room in the title to put the full name of the movie, because... really, I can't think of a movie with a longer name. Can you? Off the top of your head, think of a movie with a longer name than that? Can't do it, right? Yeah, me either.

So it starts off with this little chipmunk or mole, or some crap like that, knocking about. I'm not too up on what rodent is what, but this looked like one of the ones I mentioned... anyway, for the purpose of this we'll call it a chipmunk, alright?

So the chipmunk is knocking about, pokes its little head out of its hole and it's all happy, you know? And why wouldn't he be, it's a nice sunny day, he lives in a very nice area. He's got Las Vegas nearby, so if he wants to do some gambling or get his drink on, he can get there within an hour - especially with his underground tunnels and that. Not to mention, he's probably got 7 or 8 chipmunk babies knocking about, so that keeps him mighty pleased. So the chipmunk is loving his life.

But, oh shit, what's this then? A car tyre comes by and tries to ruin the chipmunk's day. The car tyre is connected to a car, and there are some stupid teenagers riding around in it. The tyre goes over the chipmunk's home, and he's like "oh crap," you know? because now he's got to get the builder 'round to fix the doorway, and there's probably a bunch of dirt and stuff in his living room that he'll need to clean up, and who's going to pay for it?

So these teenagers in the car are riding about, ruining lives and that. So they're driving about, giving no thought to the poor little chipmunk they just destroyed the house of, and they drive up onto the road, where there's these army trucks. They weave through these army trucks and got to the front of the line and convince the young fellow driving to race them... so he does, and the army convoy whatsie goes faster and faster until they turn off at an army base entry.

They get to the main gate, but what's this? The guy at the gate says it's closed for weapon testing and they can't get in. This is fucked up, but then the army convoy's leader shows up, and the guys at the gate are like "that includes you corporal" - he probably wasn't a corporal, but that's the only army ranking I can think of. But, anyway, this corporal fellow bends over to tie his shoe lace, and there's all these fellows behind him with machine guns, and they take the guards out.

So the convoy moves on, into the military compound... then, they go to hanger 51, and they open the boot only to pull out a couple of fellows. First they pull out this fat dude, then they pull out this old brown hat... and it falls on the ground, and you're thinking I reckognize that hat! Then they pull another fellow out of the trunk and you see his shadow. And then you realize as the shadow bends over to pick up the hat - it's Freddy Krueger! AWESOME!!!!!

But it's not. It turns out it's Harrison Ford. Still good, no doubt, but it'd be awesome if they put Freddy Krueger into one of these Indiana Jones flicks. He'd kill all those damn nazis and commies in their sleep; they won't know what hit them!

So that's Indiana Jones. The Indiana Jones from the title, you know? People keep calling him Henry, but don't be confused... Indiana's like a nick name or something.

Then you work out these soldiers, who look American, are actually Russian. Bastards! They're looking for something in this hanger, and they want Indiana Jones to find it for them. There's a lot of useless chit chat at this point, and they're trying to establish that Indiana Jones and this fat fellow are prisoners, and that the Russians are their captors. It was obvious, if you ask me, but you just sit and enjoy it regardless.

Cate Blanchet appears at this point too, and she's dressed up sort of like a mixture between Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle and a dominatrix jockey. She looks about a 3 out of 10 here, I'm telling you. And the accent, don't get me started on the accent. I mean, seriously, can you actually get a hard-on when a woman talks with a Russian accent? No, I think not. It's just as bad as those really lower-class (or even upper-class) english accents. Nothing erotic about that at all. Other accents are alright. French women do alright. Spanish accents are kind of hot, yes indeedy. But not Russian and English, you feel me?

So what Indy (This is what his friends call him. He and I are tight, so I'm allowed to call him that) does at this point is gets some gun powder and metal and stuff and throws it in the air, and since the thing they're looking for is magnetic they can totally find it using little pieces of metal. Except I thought he was going to try and make a bomb while they were hanging around... shows what I know. Eventually he just runs while they're shooting at him.

Oh, and the fat guy betrays him. I guess that part's important.

End of Part 1.

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:52 am

So Indiana Jones escapes from the Russians. What happens is, he finds them the thing they want, which ends up being some sort of magnetic body bag. There's some action sequences where he's running away while being shot at, and funny enough he doesn't get hit even once. Eventually he makes it to some sort of rocket train thing, which gets turned on. The burner at the back fries the Russians, and Indy goes flying down the rain with one of the Russians. At the end of the rail, Indy and the Russian dude are both wiped out, but Indy manages to run off as the Russians come up in cars. How they got there so quick - as this cart/train thing he was in was going pretty fast - I don't know.

So he runs off and finds a little town in the middle of nowhere to hide. Except, guess what? He can't really. You've got to be kidding, it's a nuclear test town, and the atomic bomb is going off in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Indy gets into a fridge just in the nick of time, of course, and the fridge gets blown right out of the area... he gets out of the fridge and gets found by the FBI or somebody, who blame him for helping the Russians.

Then he gets asked to go on permanent leave from the University. Sucks for him, no doubt, but he decides to head off to New York. But when he does, some dude on a motorcycle stops him and tells him an old friend of his is in trouble. So he decides to help the kid for god knows what reason, though the audience by this point has probably worked out that this kid will end up being Indiana Jones' son. You'd have to be STUPID not to know it.

They at this point get chased by Russians all over town. I mean, the typically thing to do would to run to the police station and yell "RUSSIANS! CHASING ME! LOOK!" but for some reason they head off to the university. A series of incredibly lame jokes follow.

So they lose the Russians and get some sort of cryptic clue that was absolutely dumbfoundingly stupid that you can't believe it really lead them anywhere. But they go to Chili. They find out the guy they're looking for was there, but the Russians took him away.... as Russians tend to do.

So what happens then is they go to the place this guy was staying, which is a prison ... but a prison run by nuns... Silly... if I was to have a prison, I'd make it run by giant cyborgs who can crush your skull like it was a peanut. But I digress.

So this fellow's got the word "return" on his wall, over and over again. I don't know how, but for some reason Indy makes the leap that the dude's gone down the amazon. They probably didn't explain how he made such a leap, but the trip into Chili seemed mighty pointless at this time.

So off they go. And somehow they find this tomb, and in the tomb they find some dead bodies, underneath the dead bodies they find a crystal skull. Then, inexplicably, they come across the Russians who take Indy and the young fellow captive. Turns out the Russians have the fellow they were looking for, as well as the young fellows mother who ends up being the woman Indy was trying to bang in the first movie. She's a lot older now, so she sags in areas that didn't sag when she was younger.

The fellow they were looking for has gone all mental and doesn't make sense... so they make Indy stare at this crystal skull so he could communicate with the fellow. They go on some rant about Aliens and mind reading, but I wasn't really paying attention.

Then they try to escape, and get captured again. Brilliant. 10 minutes of the movie for nothing. In fact, I started to get the feeling that Indiana Jones was going to spend half the movie captive.

And this is what I don't get. Listen, the Russians (or in the old movies, the Germans) have guns. Some of them have automatic weapons. Why the fuck doesn't the American Military spend a bit of dough and send an few soldiers with Indiana Jones. He's obviously kicking some mighty ass by finding all this old junk, but if it keeps getting taken away by foreigners, what's the point of it all?

Eventually they escape again. There's this huge sequence where they're all in these vehicles, jumping back and forth between them, grabbing at the skull, and swinging on vines like Tarzan and all of that. It was a bit ridiculous, and it went on for ages, but it was cool in parts. They eventually head down a few water falls, and survive each time.

So they've escaped, but the Russians are right behind them because the guy who betrayed Indiana Jones at the start has met up with them again and for some reason they trust him. I would've skinned his ass right there, or at least left him with a broken leg so he couldn't follow. But, well, movies never make much sense.

Anyway, they go into this pyramid thing and come out and then find another pryamid thing and go into that... eventually they find the place where the crystal skull goes, just as the Russians arrive (convenient). So, like... 13 crystal skeletons and one is missing a head. The Russian chick puts the skull back on the neck that's missing the head and the bloody thing starts talking to them. She says she wants the knowledge, and everything starts shaking and the walls start to fall... the good guys run off, wheresa the bad guys stay and either die or get taken aboard a space ship. I was never too clear on what happened. But however you phrase it, the baddies were gone, as baddies wont to do.

Indiana Jones left with pretty much nothing, so he should've just taken the skull and gone back to the museum and said "fuck you all, look at this skull I found... and you cunts can't get any of it! It'll go to a different school" or something like that, really rub it in.

But Indiana Jones becomes Dean somehow. Which is weird, because they wanted him gone earlier. Then he gets married, and they start to imply that his son'll be the new Indiana Jones. I could hear groans all around me as that happened.

So despite its stupidity, terribly dialogue and a plot that was obviously thought up while taking some sort of hallucinagen, the movie was good clean fun.

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:47 pm

Dude, there is no way I'm wasting a penny to see this piece of crap. If it comes on the tele, for free, I might take a gander. Otherwise, it's a no go for this gal.

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:48 pm

I thought it was okay. I still like Temple of Doom best. That one was fun. Aliens and what not in this one? yeah, no thanks. Harrison Ford looked like he needed a few Ensure breaks.
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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:24 pm

I like Raiders best, but they're all good in their own way. This one included. It's good mindless fun. I think a lot of people expected the Indiana Jones movies to grow with them, so were disappointed. All in all, it is kind of a kids movie at heart.

I would've called it Indiana Jones and the Magnetic Alien Skulls.

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PostSubject: Re: Gaboman's Review of Indiana Jones and those skull whatsies   Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:48 pm

I thought the movie was good, but your review was even better.
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